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Cleanliness is next to Godliness. That’s what my father used to tell me when I was a stubborn child, refusing to get in the bath after a typical childhood day of baseball, fighting, and literally rolling around in the mud. It's a phrase that was drilled into my head at nightly intervals and one that I find myself repeating while I compulsively wash my hands before a meal or brush my teeth after it. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Indeed it is, Dad. What cleanliness isn’t next to, however, is celebrity.
We’re used to seeing celebrities walking red carpets, decked out in the finest ballgowns and tuxedos that money can buy. Accepting their awards, they look flawless, what with their shining white teeth, soft skin, and glowing eyes. They are almost Apple store-esque in their hygiene and sterility. But award shows are fleeting and limited to one lousy season. For the other three seasons of the year, the same celebrities who look so squeaky clean during their acceptance speeches are as greasy and as smelly and as lazy as the rest of us. Some of them even more so. I know it’s hard to believe that any celebrity who didn’t appear on Jersey Shore would be lacking in hygiene, which is why I have put together some photographic evidence to support my argument.
Here are 15 pictures that prove Hollywood is filled with filthy celebs.
Cara Delevingne
Cara Delevingne has no problem appearing in public in a pair of sweatpants and an oversized hoodie when she’s not working. It is this casual approach to crafting a persona that has made Delevingne the darling of the internet. However, this picture may go beyond “casual” and enter “scruffy” territory.
This image shows us Delevingne posing with her hand in front of her mouth, which would be kind of adorable if it wasn’t for her filthy fingernails. It isn’t clear just how the Suicide Squad star’s nails became so dirty, but we do know that she was in Paris for Fashion Week when this picture was taken, so she probably hadn’t been gardening any time in the immediate past. It is most likely the result of her failure to wash her hands regularly allowing for the accumulation of dirt and grime beneath her fingernails.
Woody Allen
Writer and director Woody Allen has been releasing a movie a year every year for almost 50 years. That is a serious amount of work for anybody to take on, so how has Allen, who is certainly not the most impressive physical specimen, managed to keep up that schedule while still having time for himself? Well, it seems he found ways to save time by eliminating non-essential tasks from his daily routine, such as brushing his teeth.
This picture gives us an almost too candid view of the comic legend’s mouth and shows his teeth to be far less beautiful than his dialogue. His chompers are discolored and crooked and each one looks as though it’s trying to escape his gum via a different route.
Natalya
Professional wrestling may not be entirely real, but every now and then reality can enter the ring and an accident occurs. And accidents do occur, just ask former WWE Divas Champion Natalya. During a televised match with Naomi - a fellow mononymous WWE Superstar - Natalya absorbed more impact than she had been intending, which lead to her evacuating her bladder in the center of the ring. As you can see in this picture, the SmackDown Live performer attempted to hide the stain using tactical placing of her hands, but it was clear to everybody in attendance that something not in keeping with the script had occurred. The whole situation was covered on the WWE “reality” series Total Divas and was actually quite entertaining, although I’m sure a team of neurologists would advise against watching the show if you value your sanity and intelligence.
Zayn Malik
The singers who made up the boy band One Direction were presented as clean-cut good guys; the kind that visits the dentist every month and nurse injured puppies back to health. In the time that has passed since One Direction split up, former band member Zayn Malik has made a conscious effort to shed his reputation as a whiter than white teen idol and reinvent himself as a badass rocker who does what he wants when he wants. This picture would suggest that the former Directioner has taken that mission a little too far.
If you were to only pay attention to his leather jacket, Zayn does actually look quite cool here, but a quick glimpse at the side of his head makes it impossible to admire him. The star’s ear is literally full of wax; and not just the regular green kind that we all have in the morning. The wax in Malik’s ear is a dark orange, which would suggest it has been there for a while.
Jennifer Carpenter
I’ve covered enough red carpet events to know that it can get pretty hot under the bright lights and the flashing cameras, so I understand that sweating does happen and that pit stains do become visible if you don’t position yourself just right. That being said, you very rarely see pit stains of this magnitude.
In this picture, we see Jennifer Carpenter, best known for her role as Debra Morgan on the Showtime drama Dexter, as she poses for pictures at Madrid’s Palace Hotel in 2009. Sweat stains are very visible beneath both arms and seem to be in the process of spreading across her chest, perhaps with the intention of meeting in the middle á la Lady and the Tramp. The sweating could have been avoided with a different wardrobe choice and maybe, just maybe, a shower prior to getting dressed.
Matt Damon
With almost baffling good looks and a filmography full of undeniable classics, it seems as though Matt Damon can do no wrong. Don’t worry, though, even Damon, with his estimated $170 million net worth, has his shortcomings and his bad habits. Exhibit A: this photograph.
Here, we see Damon looking a little bit too relaxed as he makes the journey to his daughter’s school. Unaware that he is being photographed, the Oscar winner buries his finger deep into his nose in an attempt to dislodge what we can only assume is a rather sizeable booger. This is not the first time the paparazzi have caught Damon picking his nose. During the filming of The Bourne Ultimatum in 2007, the star was captured with his finger firmly placed inside his nostril in between takes.
Christina Aguilera
Christina Aguilera isn’t one to appear in public unless she’s looking her absolute best, which must be challenge for her considering her well-documented love of going out and getting really, really drunk.
Throughout her career, Aguilera has sung of attending wild parties and drinking all night long and in this picture we finally get to see the effects of that lifestyle. Here, we see an ageing Christina Aguilera leaving The Beverly - a California nightclub - with her boyfriend, Matthew Rutler. The "Genie in a Bottle" singer looks far from her regular self, with lipstick smeared across her face (and her boyfriend's) and a sweaty lock of hair hanging over a poorly painted eyelid. She has drank herself into such a state that her boyfriend has to hold her hand as she walks, probably while asking himself if her $130 million fortune is really worth it.
Eliza Doolittle
There is a reason people should avoid wearing white and it’s not the reason you think. White outfits are ill-advised - especially if you’re a celebrity who is constantly being photographed - because they show every little stain and blemish. This is a lesson singer Eliza Doolittle learned the hard way when she took a stroll through London in July of 2013.
This picture shows the Pack Up singer wearing a white summer dress that would be lovely were it not for the mysterious wet patch lurking at her crotch (of which she seems totally unaware). It’s hard to say exactly what the cause of the wet patch is, but it should be noted that it isn’t exactly located in a spot that people generally sweat from.
Elton John
Sir Elton John’s teeth get a lot of attention, mainly because of the pianist’s very obvious battle with diastema, which results in a large gap between one’s front teeth. Today, however, it is the color of the Crocodile Rock singer’s chompers that we’ll be focusing on.
This picture, taken of Sir Elton on the day he received an Honorary Doctorate from the Royal Academy of Music, shows him flashing a very yellow set of teeth. This, no doubt, is the result of decades of heavy drinking and chain-smoking, as well as daily consumption of coffee and tea. It should be pointed out that it is possible to drink copious amounts of coffee and tea without discoloring your teeth as long as you, you know, brush them every once in awhile.
Miley Cyrus
If you’ve ever felt bad about having a pimple or a zit, you can take solace in the fact that even celebrities need a bit of skin cream every now and then. In fact, even Miley Cyrus, who for a while there was an international sex symbol, has had her issues with acne.
While a single pimple itself isn’t the result of poor hygiene, acne is very often linked to failure to maintain an adequate cleaning routine, especially when it occurs in adulthood. The spots Cyrus is shown to be grappling with in this picture likely developed on her face after a series of late nights and frequently neglecting to remove her makeup before going to bed. Miley has openly flaunted her poor hygiene in the past as a sort of anti-patriarchy statement, which is cool, but it really isn’t worth the permanent damage that acne can cause to one’s skin.
Ed Westwick
Picking your nose is actually a pretty common thing in Hollywood, as this picture of Ed Westwick serves to prove. Westwick saw his greatest fame when he was cast as Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl, a fairly iconic teen drama produced by The CW. That role catapulted Westwick to heartthrob status and made him the crush of hundreds of millions of young women all over the world. But how would they feel about him after seeing this picture?
Whoever snapped this photo caught Westwick right in the act. His index finger is rammed up his nostril and he seems to be contorting his head in order to make the excursion more successful. It’s disgusting, yes, but in a way you have to admire the shamelessness and confidence with which Westwick, a grown man, carries himself while picking his nose.
Pete Doherty
Throughout his career, Pete Doherty has been compared to Shane MacGowan. These comparisons come not as a result of Doherty’s music - a mix of rock and indie that is a world removed from the mumbling Celtic screamo of The Pogues - but for his personality. Much like those of MacGowan, Doherty’s issues with drugs and alcohol have landed him in the press on multiple occasions. And, again much like MacGowan, the ensuing drop in personal hygiene that addiction brings has landed Doherty on this list.
This picture comes from an MTV special about Doherty’s life that aired in 2009, a time when his heroin addiction was out of control. It shows the Libertines singer as he gives the MTV camera crew a tour around his $1 million mansion, which is covered in litter and cat droppings. Stopping at the wall photographed here, Doherty points to a pair of muddy paw prints, presumably left by one of the several dozen cats he shares his home with, and admits that he can’t remember how they got there and hasn’t tried to remove them.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
A strange trend has developed in Hollywood over the past couple of months. It seems that both male and female celebrities have grown lazier and have fallen out of the habit of showering before each public appearance. More and more famous faces are showing up to premieres and award shows with greasy, unwashed hair and acting as though it’s perfectly normal (if I showed up to the office without having showered my editor would chew me out and tell me to carry myself with more dignity, and he’d be right to do so).
In this picture, we see Rosie Huntington-Whiteley as she proudly sports her parted, greasy hair at a red carpet event. It’s fairly obvious that the supermodel has also neglected to wash her face, as her forehead is shining with a day’s worth of grease. Still, that doesn’t stop her from grinning from ear to ear in front of the cameras. And who can blame her for smiling? She’s probably in a wonderful mood considering the extra half hour she had in bed after she decided not to shower that morning.
Ranveer Singh
This might be cheating a little bit because we’re taking a detour from Hollywood and making a stopover in Bollywood. Indian actor Ranveer Singh has made a career from appearing primarily in Hindi films and has very rarely shown his face in the United States of America. Despite that, he has managed to capture the heart of many an American female and there are some who speculate the 32-year-old may be planning a jump to Tinseltown in the near future. If that is indeed the case, he should probably shave some of that armpit hair.
Now, armpit hair is perfectly natural, especially for men. However, when a man - or a woman, for that matter - has excessive hair growth beneath their arms, they are advised to remove the surplus hair in order to improve their personal hygiene. This is because thick armpit hair tends to absorb sweat and continues to hold on to bad odors even after a shower or bath.
Shane MacGowan
Are there any teeth more infamous than those of Pogues frontman Shane MacGowan? At the height of their fame, Celtic punk rock band The Pogues were known for their rowdiness on stage and off and their performances and recording sessions typically involved much drinking, cursing, and fighting. MacGowan embodied everything his band was about. The guy had his first drink before he even reached the age of ten and he had already developed a dependence on booze by his 16th birthday. It was around this time that he stopped caring for his teeth, likely because it’s just so freaking hard to brush your teeth when you’re drunk.
In this picture, the effects of MacGowan’s decades of heavy drinking - not to mention a well-documented heroin addiction - are clear for all to see. The singer's mouth is almost entirely devoid of teeth, while the few he has left are rotted and look as though they’re about to fall out. It’s sad to see, borderline frightening, in fact, but at least we know MacGowan’s notorious binge drinking wasn’t just the work of a clever PR team.
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